Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Phil sees THE LAST WITCH HUNTER from Lionsgate-February 6, 2016

I've never been a big Vin Diesel fan. Granted people love the guy and yes, I guess he's kind of a sexy bad ass in the FAST AND THE FURIOUS series. But for the most part, he's just not a very good actor. There, I said it. I did like him as Groot in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY but, then again, he only had one line that he repeated throughout the film. And Groot was a computer generated character so he officially didn't appear in it. So when I saw his latest film THE LAST WITCH HUNTER, I found myself thinking that Vin Diesel should probably stop making movies all together and just do voiceover work.

Theatrical Movie Poster (2015)
The film's official synopsis: The modern world holds many secrets, but the most astounding secret of all is that witches still live amongst us; vicious supernatural creatures intent on unleashing the Black Death upon the world. Armies of witch hunters battled the unnatural enemy across the globe for centuries, including Kaulder (Vin Diesel), a valiant warrior who managed to slay the all-powerful Queen Witch (Julie Engelbrecht), decimating her followers in the process. In the moments right before her death, the Queen curses Kaulder with her own immortality, forever separating him from his beloved wife and daughter in the afterlife. Today Kaulder is the only one of his kind remaining, and has spent centuries hunting down rogue witches, all the while yearning for his long-lost loved ones. However, unbeknownst to Kaulder, the Queen Witch is resurrected and seeks revenge on her killer causing an epic battle that will determine the survival of the human race.

Wow, this was such a bad movie. I mean really, really bad. Really bad acting, really bad characters, a script that sounded like it was written by a sixth grader, everything was just bad. This is a film that I can see Michal J. Nelson, Kevin Murphey and Bill Corbett from RiffTrax making fun of (hint hint guys). I still can't understand how films like this get made. Who in their right mind would greenlight a project like this and think it'll do well at the boxoffice? C'mon Mr. Hollywood Big Shot Executive, you cannot be that naive! You should've known that this movie was going to suck ass! And yet you still went ahead and gave the "go ahead" and made this piece of crap. And it bombed hard at the boxoffice but you knew that was bound to happen. Vin Diesel plus good movies do not add up at all. So stop making crap and start making good movies please! Thank you!

Another factor I'm dumbfounded is why in the hell is Michael Caine in this movie.He is a talented and legendary actor whose made some amazing and powerful works of art. The man has apoerared in ZULU, ALFIE, BATTLE OF BRITAIN, THE ITALIAN JOB, THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING, A BRIDGE TOO FAR, DRESSED TO KILL, HANNAH AND HER SISTERS, THE CIDER HOUSE RULES, THE PRESTIGE, CHILDREN OF MEN and the DARK KNIGHT TRILOGY. He's one of the all-time greats and yet he appeared in this abomination of a film. Why Michael? You're better than this. Did you do it for the money? We're you just bored? Seriously I really want to know! Get back to me later on that buddy! 

So in conclusion, THE LAST WITCH HUNTER is a total piece of shit that will make you feel dumber after watching it. The film doesn't even qualify for the, "It's so bad it's good" moniker. It's just bad. Don't even waste your time with this movie. You're better off watching paint dry because let me tell you that's more entertaining than watching this movie. 1 out of 5 stars!! Just say no!!

THE LAST WITCH HUNTER is still playing in select theaters and is also available on Blu-Ray and DVD at your local retailer. It's also available on Redbox and Video On Demand.

Thanks for reading, and enjoy the show!

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