Phil sees POLTERGEIST at the AMC Showplace Manteca 16-May 25, 2015

I love horror movies. I love them immensely. I have seen countless horror films, raging from the Universal classics to the glut of remakes. Now you may have noticed, Hollywood has been cranking out a series of horror remakes, re-imagines and reboots. This trend started back in 2003 with the remake of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, which was a very good remake that I enjoyed. However, lately I've had the painful responsibility of watching really crappy remakes as of late. This brings me to the latest in this uninspiring cycle of crap. Ladies and gentlemen, boils and ghouls, I present to you my review of 20th Century Fox's remake of POLTERGEIST.

The film's official synopsis: Legendary filmmaker Sam Raimi and director Gil Kenan reimagine and contemporize the classic tale about a family whose suburban home is invaded by angry spirits. When the terrifying apparitions escalate their attacks and take the youngest daughter, the family must come together to rescue her.

While the synopsis sounds interesting and horrifying, Fox forgot to mention that it sucked and wasn't scary at all.

This is just another sad example that Hollywood has completely and utterly run out of original ideas. Being a serious horror fanatic, this makes me absolutely furious! While their have been other remakes, reimagines, and reboots in other genres, none has been beaten to death than the horror genre. Time and time again, year after year, we have been subdued to watching a pathetic parade of classic horror films being given the Hollywood make-over. But how bad was this film? Let me give a list of reasons why it sucked so damn bad.

1) The film moved way too fast. Unlike the classic Tobe Hooper directed/Steven Spielberg produced 1982 film, director Gil Kenan and screenwriter David Lindsay-Abaire totally botched this film by rushing the story and paying no mind to us the audience. We have to be invested in the characters, we have to sympathize with them, we want to feel for them and be scared when they are. But you can't do that when your film is flying at 100 miles per hour because you're hoping that we wouldn't noticed that the script wasn't finished in time before production started.

2) What made the original so great and terrifying was that is was just that. It got under your skin, it terrified you, it made you think twice about purchasing a home that was built on a cemetery. The scary trees, the freaking clown doll that wants to kill you, peeling your face off in the mirror, the demonic spirit that wants your daughter, all these ingredients made the original a classic. The remake had none of these whatsoever. I just sat there thinking that when the hell is this going to get scary.

3) There was no character development. Who are these people? Why should we care about them? Do I even have to like them? The answer  to these questions is a resounding no. I didn't know them and, to be honest, I didn't want to. I could care a less about any of them.

4) The directing didn't look or feel smooth or fluid, rather it felt confusing and just all over the place. Granted this is only the third film that Kenan had directed, but I feel like he might have bitten off more than he could chew here. Maybe this a paid job and not something he really wanted to make?

5) Did I mention it wasn't scary? Oh I did? Ok moving on then.

6)  All the good stuff was in the trailer. In fact, the trailer made the film look scary, which I claim as false advertisment. But what I did find scary was that horror icon and my hero Sam Raimi and his company Ghost House produced this piece of crap! Why Sam why?!? You made the original EVIL DEAD trilogy! You gave us the awesome SPIDER-MAN trilogy! You made DRAG ME TO HELL! But why did you help make this one?!? I need answers man! I can't live like this!! WHY?!?!?

Sorry about that. Got a little carried there. But I'm OK now, really. But I digress...

POLTERGIEST is a worthless, unoriginal, uninspiring, total waste of my hard earn cash remake of a film. This film gave me diarrhea. I felt stupid by the end credits. It doesn't deserve your time and attention. This film hurt me so bad that I'm not even going to rate it. It sucked people. Don't see this movie. Stick to the original and you'll be a lot better off.

POLTERGEIST is currently playing in both 2-D and 3-D in theaters nationwide, including at the AMC Showplace Manteca 16. To view showtimes, visit their website at ww.amctheatres.com.

Thanks for reading, and enjoy the show!