Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Phil sees CONAN THE BARBARIAN in 3-D at the Camera 7 Pruneyard-August 19, 2011

So the first film I saw today was the previously blogged COWBOYS AND ALIENS, which I had a blast watching. So for my second film of the day I went and saw the remake of CONAN THE BARBARIAN in 3-D. Needless to say, that was a bad idea.

So, instead of doing my usual movie critique, I thought it would be more educational to list what was so bad about the film:

1) All of the acting was just horrible.
2) The directing was equally horrible.
3) Why the hell did they remake this film?
4) If Rose McGowan gets another face lift job, she'll look more like Joan Rivers.
5) Too much CGI, not enough story.
6) Wait, was there a story?
7) I know that Jason Momoa did the best that he could, but he's no Arnold.
8) Why the hell was Ron Perlman in this film?
9) I remember now! No there wasn't a story.
10) Why did I see this movie again?
11) Oh that's right, because I was bored.
12) Who ever thought that remaking this film was a good idea should've been fired....or beheaded.
13) After directing such remake films like THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003), FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009) and CONAN knockoff PATHFINDER (2007), Marcus Nispel should be executed immediately and his head should be planted on a spear.
14) The movie looked even worse in 3-D.
15) The poster was more entertaining than the actual film.
16) Why the hell did they remake this film? Oh wait, I already said that one.
17) I got diabetes from watching the movie.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN is the poster child for movie abortion. If there was ever a better example that Hollywood has totally run out of original ideas for movies, let this be proof. In the words of my favorite TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000, "Folks, they just didn't care."

CONAN THE BARBARIAN 2-D & 3-D is now playing in theaters nationwide, including at the Camera Cinemas here in the South Bay. To view showtimes, visit their website at

Thanks for reading , and enjoy the show!

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